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ETA1: Revised Twitter pitch, thanks to helpful suggestions from other entrants who were kind enough to stop by.Miss Floret needs a luministe to locate her brother's stolen soul. Her unwitting choice:a rogue in gentleman's clothing w/ties to the thief.
Removing spaces around punctuation isn't cheating, is it? Nope? Oh good. I thought not.
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Shelley Watters is running a cool contest on her blog: pitch your completed novel in 140 characters, and if it's compelling enough, win a manuscript review from Suzie Townsend (see my previous post to witness my shameless gushing over Ms. Townsend).I present Miss Floret and the Luministe: A Cautionary Tale in 140 words:
Miss Floret needs a luministe to find her brother's soul. Her unwitting choice: a rogue in gentleman's clothing w/ ties to the thief.
Dear Reader, I'm relying on your constructive feedback. Does this ring with you at all? Should it have more pop? If so, any idea what kind of pop it's missing? Please, comment away!
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18 Witty Rejoinders:
I like it! The pitch makes me want to read the story to find out what happened to her brother's soul and who the rogue is! Nice job!
I like the pitch, but who is the thief? The use of "the" makes me think he is super important, but how?
I'm in the contest too!
I love it! It sounds like a fun read :D
I love this. It's a great hook. I got caught up on the word 'luministe' and when I tried to look it up, didn't have any luck. But I suspect that's just me.
Best of luck to you!
Thanks for participating. The term 'luministe' tripped me up as well. Other than that I like it!
Great job and good luck!
I can figure out "luministe" from context, so I wouldn't change that. "her unwitting choice" sounds like it carries the voice of the story, so I'd be leary of changing that, but I think it's using characters you could use someplace else.
Maybe:
"Miss Floret needs a luministe to find her brother's stolen soul. Her only choice? A rogue in gentleman's clothing w/ties to the thief."
"Luministe" is a tough word, but clearly a vocab word we're going to get from your book. Maybe you can put it in quotes or italics so we get that right away? That wasn't my issue. What nagged at me was "the thief" because I felt like I should know who that was, and of course I don't, so while overall I am incredibly intrigued and can't wait to read your book when it gets published, I humbly submit that this one tiny aspect of your pitch needs a polish.
You guys are so awesome! Great suggestions. I like the reword, Suzi, and the feedback from mfantaliswrites ... funnily enough, I waffled about having the word "stolen" in there, and used the letter space for "unwitting" instead. :) Putting "stolen" back into the pitch sounds like a plan.
I'm still absolutely open to suggestions, so bring 'em if you got 'em!
It sounds intriguing, but I keep getting caught up on the word "lunministe." Maybe you could just say she needs help finding her brother's soul?
I'm going to have to weigh in to defend "luministe". Just needs to be tied to the rogue more obviously.
Maybe you can sacrifice the "ties to the thief" and hang the conflict on Nice Miss Floret vs. the rogue?
I hope I'm making sense.
Perfect! Love it! When can I read it??? Luministe is so cool because it's a gorgeous word, I've never heard of it before, but it makes perfect sense in the context. Bravo!
I love it! I don't know what a luministe is, but I want to read to find out. Best of luck.
Hmm... luministe is interesting, but maybe too complicated for a twitter-length pitch. How about just "Miss Floret needs help ..." Or does that diminish the voice? Not sure, but either way I'm intrigued & want to read it!
I like this, but I'm torn on the use of luministe. I agree that you can infer the meaning, but I wonder if it would pop a little more if we knew what it was without inferring.
I love the rework! Still has the voice and the world setting *and* clarifies the conflict. I think you've got it :)
The revision flows a lot better. Great pitch and good luck!
It has a lot of voice, which is great! But I don't understand what a luministe is, so that spoils it a bit. Maybe it would work to say "her only choice to find her brother's stolen soul is to trust a rogue in gentleman's clothing." Great story idea--and I just love the title.
I love it, and I just got who the thief is. I am dying to read this book. Please promise me a signed copy. :)
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